Furious Frenzy
by Sunburned-Stickperson
Summary: Desmond hasn't been kidnapped by Abstergo, and instead, has adopted four cats. They weren't lying when they said that cats "rule the roost."
1. Chapter 1

**Gwah! XD Why do I always take the pet related ones? Baaaaaaah. I love my job.**

**pt.2 pg. 29  
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><p>Desmond was grateful for his feline friends—the four of them were his best friends. And, they protected him. For instance, he let them walk around the bar freely, and more than once, they had picked out a person with a weapon or stepped in the way of a glass meant for him.<p>

He actually lost one cat like that. He had named it Kadar, after one of his relatives. Another cat, Altair—his best protector—had bitten one man after he grabbed Altair's tail. Altair was a (suspected Pedigree) Russian Blue, and he was absolutely beautiful, silent but deadly. He was skinny as a rail and was incredibly graceful. Kadar had taken a large shard of glass that the drunken man had thrown. Kadar was a (once again, suspected Pedigree) Egyptian Mau, as well as his brother. Malik lost a leg defending Desmond from the man, and Desmond forked out the money to get him a replacement—he was that good of a bartender. The ladies loved the cats.

There were two more that he had adopted. One was Ezio, and he rubbed and rolled against every female that walked through the doors. He was something the vet had labeled, Pedigree Turkish Angora, and he was fucking huge. He had the silkiest coat that Desmond brushed as frequently as possible; although, increasingly, the patrons were brushing him, and Ezio loved the attention. Ezio's best cat friend was the one named Leonardo. Forever busy, Leonardo often watched whatever Desmond did, that adorable look of curiosity in its eyes. He was a tiny thing, something called a Devon Rex, and was extremely affectionate.

It was funny to watch their interactions with the patrons and one another. Altair was slightly cold and aloof, preferring to watch over Desmond as he worked rather than play fancy with the patrons. Every little thing he did seemed to piss Malik off, but it had been that way ever since Kadar had died. Malik had loved Desmond until his brother was gone, and even though he showed it far less, he was still occasionally attention needy. One of his daily customers, Shaun Hastings, filled most of his attention needs. Ezio lorded over Leonardo and was in everyone's business—well, was everyone's business. He was an attention slut. Little Leo was his favorite—although he'd never tell the others that. He was small, white, didn't need grooming like Ezio, and loved Desmond and everything he did. He was freakishly intelligent, and he loved watching and participating in his and customers' activities. Sometimes, Leo would watch him, those blue eyes wide and curious, as he would peel a potato for dinner or mix a drink. He even hopped up on a customer's table and meowed until he could try their drink. Leo loved to talk to the patrons and loved attention more than Ezio. While Ezio loved attention, Leonardo loved affection. Desmond loved all four of them.

Desmond was busy mixing a drink, Scotch on the Rocks, or whatever it was called. His hands knew how to make it, so he didn't care, and Leonardo was perched on the bar in front of him, his paw in the air as he patted lightly at the bottle of scotch. The lady was laughing as he did, cooing over how cute he was as he meowed and caught some of the alcohol on his paw. He meowed again and licked it, snorting and shaking his head, meowing and caterwauling until the lady starting petting him, and he immediately settled down in her lap. Desmond smiled.

After a few minutes, Leonardo's head popped from her lap, and he hopped onto the counter, walking over to the corner where Shaun usually sat and Malik was already waiting. They were both watching the door closely, and finally, it opened, and Shaun walked in. When he sat down in his spot stiffly, he absentmindedly pet Malik and Leonardo. His lips were thin, and his expression, grave. Malik licked his hand once before settling off to the side, his head resting on Shaun's free arm—the other all ready had a drink in it.

Desmond was slightly worried: he hadn't received his customary insult or "Thanks, mate." Leonardo started talking to him, and Shaun watched him absently, pulling out a shoelace from his suit pocket.

"Just as promised, Leonardo."

That was what started his big crush on the British man. Even before he heard him speak, he had started bringing toys for the cats. Especially Leonardo, who used all manner of things to do all manners of stunts.

He looked at Shaun as Leonardo strutted off. He leaned on the bar counter as Shaun sipped lightly from the drink.

"What's eating you?"

Shaun looked at him. "It's nothing, mate."

He frowned but went to make a drink for another customer, wondering just what was wrong. He saw Ezio leap over the counter—from the ground, fucking monster of a cat—and join Leonardo at the door he usually kept shut to keep the cats out. It was just a storage room, but it did have toxic chemicals and sharp objects. He mixed the drink and walked back to Shaun.

"You're never like this. You haven't even insulted me yet. What's wrong? Or do I need to pump more alcohol into you first?"

"The latter is probably the way to go."

He nodded and started mixing up another drink. When he was done, he turned around to see Malik hiss and puff up when Altair jumped up on the other side of Shaun. Shaun leaned back, and Desmond knew what was coming. Malik leapt at Altair, and the two crashed from the counter onto the floor, rolling and hissing and spitting. The most of the male patrons were laughing, chanting for Malik to kick his ass, and some of the female patrons were gasping in alarm. He darted around the counter and grabbed one of the newer female patrons by the waist, pulling her back when she went to reach for them.

"No, ma'am, don't do that. You don't want to touch them once they've started."

"Do they usually—"

"Yes. Malik hates Altair. I lost his brother because of Altair."

Her hand covered her mouth as she gasped in shock. "The poor thing!"

Desmond let her go and cleaned off the tables as he waited for the fight to end. Altair went running in between his legs, Malik close behind. As Altair approached the counter, he went to leap, but Malik sprinted, and his leg short-circuited, and the two went barreling into the side of the bar. Altair sprinted off a ways when he got free, and Malik hopped back up on the counter, hissing.

After several seconds, Altair walked over toward Shaun again, on the ground, and Malik watched him as he came over. When he was perfectly aligned, Malik smacked the half-filled drink with his paw and sent it over the edge—right on top of Altair. Altair screeched, hissed, and pounced at Malik, who got him good in the face and sent him sprawling. The Russian Blue snarled, puffed up, and the entire bar was silent, waiting for the next move. Only the sound of Desmond gathering the glasses could be heard.

Then, it was over as quickly as it began. Malik charged, and Altair reared up to attack, but Malik kept moving forward and pushed his enemy over the edge into sink full of soapy water. Altair yowled as he sprang from the water and ran off, snarling and hissing. Malik puffed up with pride and watched his enemy disappear under an empty table. The Egyptian Mau scoffed and turned back to Shaun, who had a small smirk on his lips. Desmond cursed.

"Damn cat. Now I have to clean up all the water back here!" he shouted as he set the empty dishes down.

Malik seemed to smile as he settled his head back down on Shaun's free arm. He sighed, frustrated, and set a desperate glare on the cat.

"And who knows when Altair will come out again."

Malik huffed and flicked his tail as if to say, "Who cares?" Desmond sneered at the cat, ignoring the cheers and the hollers about Malik's victory as he washed the dishes. The time began to pass, and Desmond slowly pumped more alcohol into Shaun, who seemed to get more depressed with every drink. Eventually, close to closing time, his friend broke down.

"She left me, Desmond."

Desmond leaned on the counter. "Who, your girl?"

"Yes."

The bartender reached over and ran a hand through Shaun's hair. The poor man was resting his head in his arms, and Malik was in lap, purring. "I never liked her anyway."

Shaun looked at him. "You're fucking with me."

"Nope." He turned to grab a towel and wipe of a few of the cleaned glasses. "I always thought you should be with me—"

He spun around at the sound of a loud crash and cursed when he saw the supply room open, the shoestring dangling from the doorknob. He ran to the door and looked in to find a large mound of various tools and bottles in a pile, and Ezio yowling and meowing as he paced and leapt around in front of it. Damning his luck, he rushed over and began moving things out of the way, worried. Leonardo had to be stuck in there, and he prayed to God, Buddha, Mary, Madonna, that he was all right. Judging by the chemicals that were dripping, he could only hope.

Eventually, he came to a small box in the center of the pile. He lifted it up to see Leonardo peering up at him with one blue eye open wide, the other covered by his paw. He meowed cheerfully and lowered his paw. Desmond fell backwards when a blur of white fur crashed into the small cat, yowling and smothering the poor thing. He couldn't help but smile as Ezio lifted Leonardo by the skin on his neck and carried him out, curling up with him, purring, in the center of the floor. Leonardo was almost lost in all the white fluff Ezio had, and the only thing Desmond could see as he walked back out was two clear blue eyes peeking out of Ezio stomach fluff, looking content. He shut the door and decided to clean later.

He walked over to a wide-eyed Shaun and leaned on the counter. "Sorry, where were we?"

"Did you mean it, mate?"

"Huh?"

"You—You and I…?"

Desmond laughed. "Yeah. I've been crushing on you for a long time now. And the cats love you, too. Forget about Kate. You've got more here."

He leaned in and placed a kiss on Shaun's lips. He was ecstatic when Shaun reacted with a happy sounding noise in the back of his throat and smiled into the kiss.

That is, of course, until they felt a paw fwap at their kiss. Desmond pulled, back, laughing, as Malik fixed him with a glare. The Egyptian Mau then looked at Shaun disapprovingly. His ears twitched as if to say, "No."

Shaun laughed for the first time Desmond had heard. He grinned as he reached over and scratched Malik's head.

"I'm sorry for taking away his attention."

Malik glared at him, but then closed his eyes and purred as if to say, "Stupid. I guess I'll forgive you." Shaun stroked the Mau's back and chuckled.

"I suppose you're right, Desmond. I do have more here."


	2. Epilogue: The Purrfect Life

Desmond groaned, stretching in his twin-sized bed. The familiar weight of his partner beside him, he cracked one eye open to be met with a head full of soft brown hair. He slid one hand around the man's waist, smiling when he heard a soft sigh and felt him cuddle closer. He pressed himself flush against the man and leaned in to kiss his ear.

"Morning, baby," he whispered.

There was an irritated grunt as the figured stirred. Desmond laughed quietly and pressed kisses all over his face, enjoying when sleepy brown eyes were trained on him. He laced his fingers with his.

"Bloody Hell, morning all ready?"

"Yes, and your students' thesis papers are due today."

"Bugger off. I don't care."

"I'm sure you'd make your students' life if you didn't show today. They'd probably say, 'Well, I'm mad about writing this thing, but good thing Professor Hastings is so easy 'cause now I don't have to turn in my paper.'"

There was a little bit of silence before Shaun scowled. "We can't have that."

Desmond looked at the feel of another weight joining them. Malik meowed softly and glared at Desmond, who was practically on top of Shaun. The cat walked over and nudged Shaun's cheek with his head. Shaun groaned, shifting.

"If this big lummox would move…"

Desmond laughed again when Malik bapped him in the face, and he shifted off Shaun, sitting back so the historian could rise. Shaun rubbed his eyes and looked at Malik, who meowed again. With a sigh, he rose. Malik sat and watched both of them as they went around doing their morning routines. When Desmond met Shaun at the door, he kissed him briefly and watched Malik trail out behind Shaun, head and tail held high as if to say, "Watch it." Shaun was probably the only professor at the university with a cat as a permanent student in his room. He was also the only one that had cat toys littering his room. At least the students like him.

Shaun had told him of one time when Malik had started yowling loudly in the middle of his lecture. The yowling had de-evolved into an odd sort of whining, and he and the students spent thirty minutes trying to calm him down before one of the students realized there was a picture of an Egyptian Mau in the photo on the board—and it looked strikingly similar to Kadar. Malik had been in a foul mood the rest of the day.

Another time, Malik had been following him across the campus, and when Shaun arrived at the library, he was gone. Shaun had panicked, searching frantically for an hour before he got wind that Malik was in the girls' dorm, kidnapped by a group of freshmen. When Malik came back, he had a new toy in his mouth and a stomach full of treats. Shaun could only shake his head.

He was also becoming a savage hunter. The cat was as deadly as anything Desmond had ever seen. Malik would spend his time outside hunting, and the cat was getting incredibly efficient. He could take a hawk out of the sky as it swooped upon prey. He had the bird stuffed, and Malik still puffed up with pride every time he walked passed. His strength hadn't waned at all since the loss of his leg.

Things had been getting progressively better between Altair and Malik; although, Malik still enjoyed fighting in the bar. It probably helped that he was out during the day with Shaun—damn attention whore of a cat—but, it was nice to see that old flash of arrogance he had before he lost his leg. Desmond was glad Malik was doing better, and so was Shaun.

His bar was actually more popular now—he had hired Rebecca Crane, Shaun's old buddy, to help—with Malik's appearance at the university. Although he didn't care for it, he now had plenty of college students joining him every night, and his cats had never been so spoiled. He'd have to watch their diets, or else they'd get fat. He doubted Ezio would, though. The cat ate like a horse and still remained paper thin. Perhaps his metabolism was the answer to the obesity problem.

Leonardo and Ezio were still the best of friends, and several times, Desmond would find himself searching for little Leo, only to find him smothered in Ezio's fur. The two loved cuddling, and that huge monster of a cat was so fluffy that with Leonardo's size, he disappeared completely. Sometimes he wondered if little Leo had been the runt. The women that came in cooed over Leonardo, and Leonardo accepted it all graciously, but Desmond could tell he preferred the regulars who gave him attention. The others would probably never come back.

Shaun came running into the bar that night, soaked to the bone with Malik meowing behind him. He held a box in his arms, the umbrella turned inside-out. His button-up shirt was soaked—Desmond thought he looked sexy—and his sweater vest was inside the box.

"Desmond! Go up and get the heat pad!"

"What—"

"Stupid sod! Two kittens! Get the heat pad!"

Desmond ran upstairs, fetched it from the bathroom cabinet, grabbed some blankets, and ran back down. The patrons were gathered around Shaun.

"I'm going to have to run out and get some formula and bottles."

Desmond nodded. "You head out. I'll stay here and watch them."

Shaun was up and out the door again. Malik was sitting at the edge of the box, watching worriedly. Desmond plugged in the heat pad and arranged the blankets on top before he pulled away the sweater vest to find two not-even-month-old kittens meowing. Altair appeared on the blankets, adjusting them slightly before settling down. Desmond went to shoo him off, but Malik had one of the kittens in his teeth and placed it against Altair's belly. The kitten meowed pathetically and moved in closer, snuggling against the warmth. Malik moved to get the second one and placed it gently against Altair, who curled around them and settled down with a look of resignation. Malik's tail was twitching furiously as he paced around the nest, and Leonardo had come over, Ezio behind him carrying the small carton of cream.

Desmond frowned and looked at the fridge—it was open, with that damn shoelace that Shaun brought all that time ago. The patrons were huddled around, and Desmond grabbed Leonardo when he went to open the carton of cream.

"Oh, no, you don't, you little shit," he growled, snatching the carton and rising, holding Leonardo in one arm and the cream in the other. Ezio was meowing at his heels as he walked over and put the cream back, closing the fridge door. He held little Leo up to look him in the eye. "Don't do that. Am I going to have to childproof this entire damn bar?"

Leonardo chirped merrily, purring. He sagged, defeated by his cat and set him down, only to have the poor thing fluffed by Ezio. He walked back over to the two kittens and squatted. Altair had one eye trained on him, looking rather content with the kittens against him. He adjusted and licked one of the kittens. It meowed, and Desmond scratched Altair's head.

"He'll be back soon with food."

He turned at the meow to see Ezio led by Leonardo—with the cream, again. He scowled and scooped Ezio up, prying the cream from his mouth.

"I know I give you some of this, but this is not for kittens."

Leonardo meowed pathetically and followed at Desmond's heels. After he put the cream back, he pulled a roll of duct tape out from under the counter and taped the handle and the door shut. Leonardo started whining, and Desmond shook his head, looking back at Altair, who had settled down with the kittens. Malik was lying by his side, watching protectively.

An hour later, Shaun came back in carrying a grocery bag. He made some special formula and put it in the bottles, recruiting one of the less drunken ladies to help him feed the kittens while he tended the bar. Altair and Malik watched the woman closely—just in case. They hovered warningly, and Malik's ability to hunt was clearly coming through in his aura. Slowly, the tiny, hardly-fuzzy blobs quieted, and Altair settled back down to watch them as they slept.

Shaun thanked the woman and dug his briefcase out of the box before walking over to the bar and plopping down. He was shivering and still looked damn fine in his wet clothes.

"B-bloody Hell, who would leave two, day-old kittens in a box in the pouring rain?"

Desmond took one of the extra blankets and shook it out as Shaun took off his shirt.

"F-fucking c-cold."

"You could go change."

Shaun shook his head. "Too cold."

Desmond laughed and placed the blanket around Shaun, pulling him into a tight hug. He rubbed Shaun's arms to get the blood flowing as the historian leaned in close. After a little bit, he moved away, almost going back at Shaun's whines, and fixed him a drink.

"This'll warm you up."

Without a second thought, Shaun tipped it back and polished it off. He coughed lightly and set the glass down as Desmond whipped up the drinks for the group of college kids.

"Do you know what gender they are?"

"Male," Shaun said. He had stopped shivering, at least.

"Two male day-old kittens in a box in the rain—something's not right with that picture."

Shaun nodded, pulling the blanket tighter around him. He opened his briefcase and pulled out the stack of papers. "I bet they all ready have plenty of male cats, and so they got rid of just the male kittens. But really, that's disgusting, leaving those kittens in the rain?"

Shaun muttered to himself as he started grading the thesis papers. Desmond laughed. Rebecca had the night off to finish her thesis for the course she had been taking. The night went through without another hitch, and when morning rolled around, Desmond found himself cuddling with Shaun in their bed as he continued grading the papers. They had moved Altair into their room, in the corner, so they could watch over the kittens. The kittens were fed and happily squirming against Altair's belly.

Malik looked almost proud as he sat in front of Altair, his tail swishing side to side. He was talking quietly to Altair, who seemed to be paying attention. Desmond and Shaun looked as Ezio came running in, squalking and chirping. He pounced on Desmond's toes and flopped on his side, biting and roughhousing with the toes under the blanket. Leonardo came padding in, dragging his food bowl. He nudged to Altair and meowed. Altair looked at the bowl, then at Leonardo, who meowed again and patted the bowl.

Desmond was smiling softly, his arms around Shaun's waist and his nose buried in his hair. It was a good morning as Ezio gave up playing with his toes and stretching out alongside them.

"What should we name them?" he murmured against Shaun's ear.

Shaun stopped reading for second, looking over the rim of his glasses at the kittens. Desmond tightened his arms slightly, and the British man set the paper and pen down, resting his hands on top of Desmond's. He studied the kittens for several minutes before leaning his head back to nuzzle against the bartender's neck.

"Let's wait and see what their personalities are like," he mumbled.

A smile tugged at Desmond's lips. "Sounds good," he said, more of a rumble in his chest than actual words.

The morning passed into evening, and Desmond reluctantly moved to feed the kittens and get ready to help Rebecca with work crowd. Shaun got dressed in sweatpants and a long-sleeve white shirt, more than ready to just relax. He moved down into the bar, stopping briefly to scratch Malik's head.

"Come get me if they need anything."

Malik looked at him and licked his hand. Shaun smiled. The bar was hopping with life. When they retired, Desmond was surprised to find Malik snuggled in with Altair. As the days went by and the kittens grew stronger, he took them to the vet for their shots. The vet called them something like Ragdolls, and Desmond had laughed. The kittens were crawling around on shaky legs. They were adorable to watch, and they took up much of his attention.

Altair and Malik had become their parents, herding them and teaching them as they grew. It was several months later, when they were all on the bed, that they decided on names. Desmond had just woken up, holding his lover's naked body close. He kissed the base of his neck, inhaling deeply, and twined their legs together.

Shaun mumbled in his sleep and scooted closer. Malik looked up, glaring over Shaun at Desmond, who nuzzled against his neck. Altair was disturbed by Malik moving, and glared at Shaun. Leonardo had curled around Shaun's head, and Ezio was against Desmond's back. The two ragdoll kitten-cats were tucked against Ezio and all his stomach fluff. Desmond slid his arm further around the historian's waist and placed another kissed on his ear. There was a soft sigh from the man, and Desmond watched as he woke slowly.

"Go back to bed, Desmond."

He chuckled.

"I'm still worn out from last night."

Desmond pressed another kiss to his head. "I love you."

"Hm… That's nice, now go back to sleep."

He laughed. "But I'm all ready awake."

"Well, I'm not. I was having a pleasant dream about my childhood playmate."

"Really?" He pressed his nose against Shaun's hair and inhaled.

"Yes," Shaun murmured. "We played with Raggedy Ann and Andy all the time."

He chuckled, shifting against Shaun when he moved closer at the rumble. Malik glared and adjusted himself again, causing Altair to glare and adjust himself. Leonardo meowed and stretched out along both of their heads.

"You're disturbing the cats," he murmured to his lover.

"I am not. You are with you trying to wake me up. Now shut up and go to bed."

Desmond kissed him again. "What if we name our ragdoll kittens Andy and Alex? Two good male names."

Shaun smiled sleepily. "Sound good. Now go back to sleep."

Desmond chuckled again and settled down. This morning was purr-fect as he cuddled with his lover and their six "children."

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><p><strong>Bah ha hah! I LOVE WRITING CRACK. It's my addiction. XD Pfft. Don't be haters: you know you love cats. Especially assassin cats.<strong>


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